Chapter 4: Shawn

Chapter 4

Shawn

This is not so much a story as it is an emotional outpouring. It was written the summer of 2011 shortly after arriving in Thailand. I was heart broken and overwhelmed. It was impossible to write his story then or what impact he had on my recovery at that point. Perhaps I will write it later. 

         

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           It breaks my heart that you’re gone from me.  It breaks my heart to know that you were so lovely and for a moment you were mine and I was yours and now it’s no longer.  For a moment I thought I could hold onto eternity with you.  It was brilliant.  And then that flame burnt through as if it was never there to begin with.  Perhaps I will not always love you or even compare future men to you… but I will always remember that spark that second night when I dropped the walls around my heart and let you in with grace and ease.  For a moment I was yours and I was wrapped up in you.  But you made your choices and you let the flame die and even though I hate it, I am moving on.  
           It often still breaks my heart that you’re gone from me.  You were so lovely in those moments.  I cannot love all of you—I am not so hopeless.  But those moments when you held my hand and comforted me in the dark, those moments when you made love to me like no one had before, those moments when you washed my body in the shower—I will love those.  They still make me smile.  I will love those moments but I shall not linger in them.  I will not allow myself to long for them again—they cannot happen again like they once did.  They are dust and dreams and they are gone from me just as you are gone from me.  But I will love them and cherish them the same.  They are mine.  You are not.  I release you from my fantasy and I release me from the cage it created in my heart.  I love you today.  I will not love you soon.  Reality.