Interlude 5

Interlude 5

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP. The beeping persisted as she groggily woke, annoyed that the sounds of the hospital never stopped.  How are patients supposed to get better if they can’t FUCKING sleep!! She thought to herself.  She rolled off the shitty bed, pushed a button on the machine that connected to one of the many tubes connected to her brother. She sighed.  She was tired and frustrated.  

Her parents had taken turns spending the night with Dave for weeks now… or was it months? She couldn’t remember.  She decided she should have a turn and now was annoyed that she had thought such a thing.  Reality was she just wanted attention and if staying with her brother got it, then that was good enough.  One brother dead, another one sick and I’m the only un-squeaky wheel. Maybe if I got cancer they’d care about me.  She grumbled to herself and lay back down. She was annoyed at herself for thinking such a thing.  I’m just tired, she sighed. But as tired as she was, she couldn’t sleep.

How much more, huh? How much more you want me to go through? She prayed to herself as her brother slept. Tears rolled down her cheeks.  She sniffled quietly, Seriously God, are you going to take him too?  Will you take both my brothers?  Will you?  And what’s left anyway? Mom and Dad are so distracted it’s like I don’t even exist. I DON’T EVEN EXIST. She willed herself to stay quiet.  She didn’t want to wake her brother.

Another beep went off.  She looked at her cell phone and saw the time: 3:30am.  She rolled off the bed and looked at the cup on the table full of pills.  She wondered what they were and if any of them were any good.  She sighed, “David,” she waited, “David” a little louder this time.  He stirred and she handed him the cup of pills and some water.  He took them and said something she couldn’t understand and passed back out again.  She stood there looking at him.  He was so skinny and the cancer was just eating at him and the medicines were worse than the cancer.  

She stood there for a moment.  She walked back over to the bed and sat and prayed without thinking anything.  She didn’t want to admit it, but she was prepared for him to die.  Ready for it.  The waiting to see if death would take over or be held at bay was so tiresome.  She didn’t want him to die but she was tired of the suffering; his suffering, her parents suffering, her own suffering. No one even saw her anymore.  It was Aaron’s murder or David’s cancer and Where was she? Nowhere.  

God, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live like this anymore.  What do you want from me?  What am I supposed to do with this? I can’t even feel anymore. I just want someone to love me and you won’t even give me that.  I’m single, alone, and taking care of a sick brother just after the one went and fucking died.  How is this in your damned plan? You know what God? YOU KNOW WHAT?! Fuck you.  FUCK you. She was beginning to hyperventilate.  She calmed herself down by daydreaming of some boy she liked, holding her tight. She sat there for a long time imagining someone’s warmth completely embracing her.

She finally lay down. Tears kept streaming out her eyes. Her mind blurred as she drifted off to sleep.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

“Fuck” she said out loud.  She got out of bed and turned off the machine again, laid down and immediately drifted to sleep and into the grips of a nightmare.

She awoke in what seemed like minutes to the sunlight pouring in and her mom tiptoeing into the room.  She was groggy and trying to wipe the nightmare out of her mind.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, honey, how was the night?” Her mother seemed anxious and worried about how she’d handled it.  

Sensing her mother’s anxiety she responded, “Everything was great mom, everything is fine.” She managed a half smile.

“Ok, how about McDonald’s breakfast?”

“Sure Mom, sounds great.”